Safety in SL and Discovering Limits

Preface: I started working on this article shortly after my last article about BDSM in Second Life and unfortunately due to some RL constraints, summer travel, and catching COVID on the way back, this is sorely overdue. I hope you enjoy the article still! We should be back to regular article cadence after this article is published.

Introduction to Edgeplay

You'll find in certain instances that I'll post things in reaction to things that I see in SL. This article is in response to such a situation. What I will be talking about in this article will touch on a delicate and often controversial area of BDSM which is commonly referred to as "edgeplay." I'm going to point out my personal insights around this and use it as a teaching tool for limits discovery and also point out the inherent risk in a particular activity I describe below.

According to SubmissiveGuide.com, Edgeplay has three definitions. We'll be focusing on definitions 1 and 3 for this article:

1. Edgeplay is SM play that involves a chance of harm, either physically or emotionally. It's also subjective to the players involved; what is risky for me might not be risky for you and visa versa. A few examples of edge play under this definition are fireplay, gunplay, rough body play including punching and wrestling, breath play and blood play.

2. Edgeplay can also literally mean play with an edge. Such examples of play are cutting, knives, swords and other sharp implements. These forms of edge play also fall under the broad term in #1.

3. Any practice which challenges the limits or boundaries of one or more of the participants.

With those rules in mind, you might be asking yourself: how on earth does this apply to SL? While we can generally practice things here in SL in relative safety, even just a basic scene carries some element of risk to it. Dominants and submissives alike experience a scene on different levels of immersion. There are some for whom it's words on a screen, or no more impactful than self-gratifying to pornographic images. On the other end of the spectrum, there are some who can experience scenes like they are actually happening to them in RL through their imagination. It's very important to know where your D/s partner is on that spectrum because it's going to directly impact how you need to relate to them throughout any given scene.

In light of that, it's often said that the theater that BDSM plays out in is largely in the mind. Depending on how deep one gets from emoting and seeing the images on the screen (largely labeled as "RP" by many), that can cause reactions in both scene partners in either physical or mental manifestations. As I said in the last paragraph, even a simple scene can potentially cause a submissive to slip into a deep subspace that the Dominant might not be able to adequately assist them to return from easily. Depending on the level of immersion of the partners, one may need longer than the other to return to 'baseline' or a normal state of mind. That is why it's so important to have aftercare built in to the time one plans for a scene. We'll definitely go in depth about aftercare in a future article.

Now that we've shown that a simple scene carries the risk of potentially sending someone into a headspace that might be difficult to return from, we can focus on one of our main topics for this article: edgeplay. Every scene carries some inherent risk in RL, but "edgeplays" are inherently more risky as they often carry a higher risk for disfigurement, disability, mental health exacerbation, or potentially even death. Unless one is acting out the actions (what I tend to call mirroring) of an edgeplay in RL beyond the SL viewer, such as auto-erotic asphyxiation during a breathplay scene or any other sort of edge play or even a normal scene, the risk of actual disfigurement, disability, or death is very low when doing edgeplay in SL. For those who are paying attention, you might have noticed that I left mental health exacerbation out of that list. We'll be touching on that in the next section.

Is It Safe? Safety Considerations In SL

So, you might be asking yourself, what's all this hoopla about risk? Well, as I said, BDSM is largely a mental activity that enhances the physical activities we do. Mental space is the largest component we engage with here in SL and thus, any edgeplay or kink that focuses more on the mental back and forth between a Dominant and submissive is going to carry the greatest "parallel" effect here in SL more often than not. That's not to say that the visualization of pose ball animations, or the emotes that one crafts for the other won't carry any weight.. it could carry more weight potentially. What I am saying though, is that I can't deliver the sting of a crop through the viewer, but when I'm potentially seducing someone to earn their consent for my control, those mental aspects would likely be felt the same in RL as they'd be in SL.

That leads us into the specific edgeplay that can have a strong parallel between both RL and SL and that is a sub-category known as "mind-fucking." It includes several different activities or actions such as: Making vague threats, being deceptive, verbal humiliation aimed at embarrassing the submissive, non-specific mind games, and even going so far as trying to exacerbate existing trauma. That last one in the list is what I specifically wanted to touch on. While there are parallels in mental health practices, such as trauma re-visitation for combat veterans suffering from PTSD, there are some who try to use the exacerbation of existing trauma within a scene to cause a cathartic release. I can not stress this enough, understand the inherent risks of edgeplay and especially mind fucking over SL before engaging in it.

Specifically, at least for what I consider safe and sane, if I even reach a level of confidence that I can trust the negotiation and proceed forward with a potential mind fucking, it would be done in person for me. There's too many variables with SL and in a case where I'd potentially lose contact with the other scene partner by them going non-verbal due to the nature of the play, I'd want to be able to try and bring them back with physical contact such as cuddling, or something like that which can't be done in SL. Your mileage may vary obviously based upon what you consider safe and sane, but always do your due diligence and negotiate the scene thoroughly, especially if you are going to engage in an edge play.

Discovering Limits

Lastly, that brings us to discovering limits. Sometimes, especially for someone who is new to the community, they might have no clue what might be an actual limit for themselves. Another thing to consider, is that what might be a soft or hard limit in RL, might not necessarily be one here in SL because one might feel 'safer' to engage in and explore a particular kink virtually. So how might you know what could potentially be a limit for you? An exercise that I like using with someone that tells me that they have no limits is asking them bluntly, "So, you're telling me I could surgically remove your arm, and make it to where you can never display that arm ever again in SL?" Most tend to recoil and say, "No!" to which I inform them with a smirk on my face that they have at least one limit then. The important part is that recoil or general discomfort reaction that one might have with being described a new kink to explore. If you recoil, it's likely a limit, if there's discomfort it could be a number of things. That's when discussing it with your scene partner is a good thing to do. That way you can weigh the feelings you're having and try to figure out whether or not it's more likely fear of the unknown, or something that you truly wish to not engage in. We'll explore more about limits in a future article.

Conclusion

This has been quite the journey and one I hope has been insightful. While scenes can be explored in SL in relative safety, remembering that some activities can have the same impact in RL as they do in SL can be an important consideration regarding how you do a SSC, RACK, or PRICK assessment of a given kink. It's also good to discuss levels of immersion and how 'deep' you might go in a scene so both of you are aware and can potentially accommodate one another. Remember that being vulnerable and communicating openly and honestly is the best policy you can have in a D/s relationship. That vulnerability comes with trust, and trust is always earned between the two parties. Remain an active participant in your D/s and be sure to negotiate what you need and want in a scene effectively so that you can keep yourself enjoying. Until next time, keep on being kinky!