Just what is BDSM?

Although many who will find Sensual Shadows will likely know what BDSM is, it's always fun to start from common understanding. If you do happen to be new to BDSM and are trying to figure it out, I bid you a warm welcome and I hope you find this site and the articles that will follow to be a treasure trove of information.

BDSM, an introduction

Although I love to have a sense of humor as can be witnessed by the article's feature image, BDSM is something I truly cherish and have enjoyed studying for nearly 14 years now. I didn't begin practicing until two years after I started studying about BDSM. Some might say that was a long time to wait, but we all do things in our own time. So, as the title asks, "Just what is BDSM?"

BDSM, if I had to put it in my own words, is an acronym that describes atypical erotic activities and relationships between one or more consenting adults. The acronym itself, BDSM, is a combination of three different aspects: BD - Bondage and Discipline, D/s - Dominance and submission, and SM - Sadism and Masochism (collectively known as sadomasochism). There are many who may tell you, and I'll agree with them that you can think of the D/s portion as "who you are," and the BD and SM elements as "what we do."

There's a lot of activities that involve elements of Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism. While some activities fall firmly within the categories described by the BDSM acronym, some are not so clear cut. During the 1950's Robert Heinlein is credited with first using the word "kink" which we all know and use now to describe any activity that is not considered "vanilla" or non-kinky.

Vanilla? You mean like ice cream?

Vanilla, BDSM, kink, if you're new to the community those words can be confusing more often than not, so it's useful to add context in order to understand where the lines are drawn.

A good starting question would be, "what is vanilla?" Vanilla as considered by many, refers to sexual activities that are more typical in society. When you hear the words "vanilla sex," it could likely make you think of the following activities:

• Kissing
• Intercourse
• Oral Sex
• Masturbation

Another key signifier of vanilla sex is that it's absent of being rough or kinky. One thing I will always do my best when trying to contrast between vanilla and BDSM sex is reminding you that so long as it feels good and you enjoy it, what you do between two consenting adults is entirely up to you. Labels, while useful to define an experience, don't need to be something that confines you, especially in sexual expression.

Another interesting thing to keep in mind, is if you are new to the community, you might have unwittingly engaged in kinky sex already. Have you ever spanked your partner? Have you ever been rough? Have you ever role played in the bedroom? If you can say yes to any of those, whether giving or receiving, I've got some news for you! You might be a kinkster.

We've been kinky for HOW long!?

Although the collective term for BDSM didn't get created until 1991, we've been kinky individuals for pretty much as long as human beings have been around. The earliest accounts of which weren't recorded until the 9th century BC. So, in terms of recorded history at least, we've been getting our kink on as humans for nearly 3000 years now.

Along with letting our wild side out way back when, many of the terms we use today we can attribute to famous individuals of the past. Marquis De Sade, for instance, is infamously noted for giving his namesake to Sadism. The counterpart for Masochism, will later be found about 100 years after De Sade's Sadism in Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, who begrudgingly found himself and his namesake being used to describe a new psychiatric condition by the psychiatrist Richard von Krafft-Ebing.

Even the words "kink" and "kinky" didn't find their way into our lexicon until the 1950's as previously mentioned. Another element of BDSM, the leather sub-culture, didn't begin to emerge really until after World War II. While it has had deeper leanings in the past towards the gay male community, many in BDSM embrace leather as a kinky fashion statement. Despite the various movements and creation of words to describe our experiences, the BDSM community and culture has been one largely hidden in shadows as it is viewed as taboo by mainstream society. Eventually, more acceptance would be found, but that acceptance didn't come without it's own set of problems.

Just Like the Movies...

Although we've had several literary references to BDSM, such as the well known Story of O, and the Gor series of books by John Norman, graphical representations of BDSM and kinky sex outside of actual pornography is something that has emerged in recent times. While I'm fairly certain that many of you who are reading are familiar with the film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey, I can remember several films during the late 90's and early 2000's that had a take on BDSM.

One I am particularly fond of is Euro Trip. Seeing Lucy Lawless as a Mistress in Amsterdam's Red Light District was definitely fun to watch. But even in that awesome scene, and as with so many other dramatic adaptations of BDSM, there are often problems with what is presented to the public. Given that Euro Trip was a comedy film to begin with, should dissuade people from taking what they see as fact. Sadly though when you get sensationalized references, that can lead to potentially accepting them as fact. Fifty Shades of Grey, for instance, made for a very sexy and tense movie. If someone likes the film though, and is inspired to read the books, they'll find a much darker world than the one portrayed by the film, one filled with non-consensual behavior and abuse.

Since Fifty Shades is the most recent offering to highlight BDSM, it does seem to be the guide post for many who found their way to the community. If someone did happen to read the books after seeing the film, it could very well give the wrong impression. Unfortunately that can more often than not lead to either a bad first experience or a rude awakening for many. Hopefully, reading this article gives you food for thought when moving forward.

How to Get a Good Foundation

If, after reading the history and realizing it's not exactly like Fifty Shades, you still find yourself interested in exploring kink and BDSM as a whole; you might be asking yourself: "How do I get off to a good start?" To that end, it's always good to know what you're getting yourself into and that can be learned from observation and reading.

As I alluded to in the introduction to what BDSM is as an acronym, I spent nearly 2 years learning about the community and the lifestyle before finding myself in a serious relationship. Learning wasn't an everyday thing. I'd get in a kinky mood and read up some more, maybe find someone to play with who gave me the feeling of safety I needed to let go at that time. Eventually though, I found someone who worked for me, someone who brought out the kinkiness in me and later brought me to my knees as I learned to call her Mistress with love and respect and obedience for nearly 1 1/2 years, which is a lifetime in Second Life. As I explored the lifestyle within and without Second Life, I came to appreciate the unique community and lifestyle that is BDSM.

Do you need to hold off for two years before doing things? Not in the slightest. I'd say there are three elements you need to start a successful foundation:

1. An Open Mind: You're going to see, hear, and experience a lot of different things as you explore the world of BDSM. Always be open to new points of view and as the old acronym goes: YKINMKBYKIOK (Your Kink Is Not My Kink, But Your Kink Is OK). Remember that we all like different things, being respectful of one another's enjoyment is always a good practice to adopt.
2. A Consent First Focus: Regardless of how you interact with BDSM, whether a Dominant, submissive, kinky top, or bottom, consent must ALWAYS be at the forefront of everything you do. While this blog may focus largely on BDSM as it occurs within Second Life, some of you may wish to try things out beyond the viewer. If you start with bad habits in SL, what are the chances you'll change course when you migrate out into RL? Just food for thought.
3. Courage and People Skills: There are tons of resources out there, between websites and people alike. If you want to know more about the BDSM community and lifestyle, especially inside of SL, there are a lot of places you can go to do that. Just remember, approach someone with courtesy, just as you would in RL and don't be afraid to ask questions or seek second opinions.

It's my hope that many of you who are new or curious about the lifestyle will end up enjoying and appreciating the content that I deliver to you through this blog. If I can save just one person from a bad BDSM experience by what I offer here, all the effort would have been worth it. I hope you've enjoyed this introductory post to what BDSM is and I look forward to giving you more amazing content soon™.